Peter Bailey: Original Blog

I truly miss you my love and with each passing day I pray for the rapture to see you again. I'm in a holding pattern till then.

I miss you baby...I wake up thinking of you...I go to bed thinking of you. I listen to your music all the time, but of course I did that all the time anyway. People keep saying it will get easier but as each day passes it gets harder.

My heart breaks everytime I wake up and you are not here. Everytime I look over to your side of the bed and you are not there. Everytime I reach out and you are not there. I feel so cold inside and nothing can or will ever be able to fill it.

Your loving devoted wife...Mare 7:22 a.m.

If today was not an endless highway
If tonight was not a crooked trail
If tomorrow wasn't such a long time
Then lonesome would mean nothing to me at all

Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting
If I could hear his heart softly pounding
Yes, and only if he was lying by me
Would I lie in my bed once again

I can't see my reflection in the waters
I can't speak the sounds that show no pain
I can't hear the echo of my footsteps
Or remember the sound of my own name

Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting
If I could hear his heart softly pounding
Yes, and only if he was lying by me
Would I lie in my bed once again

There's beauty in that silver singing river
There's beauty in that sunrise in the sky
But none of these and nothing else can touch the beauty
That I remember in my true love's eyes

Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting
If I could hear his heart softly pounding
Yes, and only if he was lying by me
Would I lie in my bed once again

I finally sat down and watched P.S. I Love You. I don't think I could watch that again. It hurts to much. I'm back to not sleeping again. I think it's because I'm getting ready for the 2nd month to come up. I've been writing love and trying to learn to play your guitars. I was hoping that just holding it would give me some kind of warmth or feeling but it's just a guitar. Deb's birthday was yesterday. I made to sure to call her right at her time of birth 7:46 a.m. I've been listening to Nickel Creek...they are great.

P.S. I love and miss you.

Mare 5:15 a.m.

As my husband used to say...It's a beautiful thing.

11 years...doesn't seem like a great deal of time. I have been going over this for the past several weeks. Why me, why Peter, why us? Why couldn't I make him go see a doctor and the doctor find it? Why, why, why???

Then the Holy Spirit convicted me with my questions this past weekend. I spent that time, those 11 years in a relationship that was at times so intoxicating with love, honor, respect, laughter, genuine friendship and Papa God at the center of it. Oh don't get me wrong we are still human and there would be arguments but when you have Papa as your go to guy for advise and the Holy Spirit to tell you that your flesh is showing and Papa's living word Jesus to guide you, you bounce back quick. I know from previous relationships and so did Peter. It is something we were conscious of from day one. No one really knows how much time they have and I was blessed to have had 11 wonderful, funny, irresistable, delicious, soul stiring, interesting, musically charged years. With someone I truly respect and who made it their purpose to show me how to walk with Papa. Not that he got it right everyday, and he would be the first to tell you that. But that he kept trying to get there, that he kept talking to Papa and reading his word to find out how to deal with it better the next time. Praising and glorifying him.

It's a beautiful thing to watch another person grow so much spiritually in front of your eyes. It's enough to make you cry when you recognize it. I was seeing a love affair between Peter and Papa that was so beautiful. It is now my turn I want that peace that my beloved found in our Papa and I know I have been experiencing it daily since my beloved went home.

Thank you Papa for the wonderful butterfly dream and for my 11 years.

Your loving daughter...Mare 11:11 p.m.

I'm so sick honey. I miss your calming, healing hands. I'm so used to you laying your hands on me and praying for whatever has come upon to be removed and in agreement we say "AMEN". I feel bad for the ladies at work because I've been out for two days, but I know they would rather me be out than come there and make everyone sick. My throat is so soar and my ears hurt. The doctor said I had a lot of fluid in my right ear.

On the good side of things is that I've been drinking so much nyquil that I've actually been sleeping. Still not dreaming of you but sleeping. The boys are depressed because I don't feel like playing and they have so much energy to burn. I guess I'm going to have to hire someone to come out and play with them.

I love you and miss your sweet touch...your Mare 10:13 a.m.

It was 11 years ago today that God directed our footsteps to each other. I'm so happy that I was blessed with your love.

I miss you deeply and you have my heart forever.

Love from your forever Babita.

10:27 a.m.

The social security administration moved my appointment up so that they could officially close your number down today. How sad is it that in this world a person boils down to a lump sum paid by our government of only $255.00 dollars. They don't know that you were worth more than all the stars in the heavens. Or that if love could have saved you, you wouldn't have slipped away from me.

I miss you honey.

Mare (12:15 p.m.)

It's been a month ago today since the last time I spoke with you. It's been a month ago today since the last time I felt the warmth of your touch.

I have trouble getting out of bed and I find myself lost in our 1268 sq. foot house. It doesn't feel like a home anymore it's the place I last spent time with you. I spend hours watching the videos of our wedding, your rehearsing, our vacation trips. I barely sleep and hope to wake to your smile. I cry, cry, cry.

I'm trying honey but it's so hard. I waited so long for you and I just don't understand why you would be taken from me. I just can't wrap my mind around it. I'm still not dreaming and I find that uncomfortable. The pain is so great, the loss so deep,

5:01 a.m.

Okay I've had many requests for this story. It's a beautiful one.

On February 4th, 1998 I was working for EVI Audio in Buchanan Michigan. It is a microphone and speaker manufacturing company. I took a call that morning from a sexy sounding man who was looking for two BK1 Microphones that had been stolen from a church the day before. They were in a rush for it. I checked the stock and we had none in stock. I put the client on hold and checked the BOM (Bill of Materials) I could see we had all the necessary materials to make these and why were back ordered I wasn't sure. I called the plant manager to find out when these would be coming up to be produced and why they were running speakers that day that we had in stock. He basically told me to mind my own business. I then asked my client to continue to hold for me if he didn't mind and I ran down to the office of the production manager for all the production facilities and showed him that we were running speakers we didn't need and I needed the microphones asap. He called the plant manager and told him to stop the line re-tool and get my microphones out asap to my client. Peter was very impressed and asked again for my name and my direct extension. It was the beginning of a beautiful thing. He would call me daily and always start off the conversation with "So what's going on in the wonderful world of Mare". He would just melt me everytime. This went on for months just checking stock and talking. He didn't order much it was just to talk to me. After about 6 months he sent me a cd of music that he had worked on with a group called Lori Lawton and Shyne. I was excited to get the cd and it was and is great music. On the back of the cd was a small black and white picture of 3 guys and very pretty lady. I blew the picture up and quetioned him one day on which one he was. He asked "which one do you want me to be"? HHHHMMMM I wanted him so much to be the sexy, tall drink of water to the left of the lovely lady. YES!!!! He was!!!! He then requested a photo of me. Yeah...right that wasn't going to happen. He was just some sexy fun to play with musician in Nashville...and my grandmother warned me about musicans.

This went on for 2 years as he kept trying to talk me into coming to Nashville to meet him. I wasn't listening to God at the time. I didn't realize tht God had put Peter in my direct path for a reason.

(To be continued)

It's only been 26 days and counting since I last spoke with you.

I watch our old tapes and barely sleep. I keep a smile on my face for those around me so they feel comfortable.

You missed the 3rd anniversary of the purchase of our home on January 10th. And coming up is the 11th anniversary of our first phone call on February 4th. As each anniversary we would celebrate comes up my heart breaks all over again. It's like the doctor coming in and telling me my life as I know it is over, again and again. I pray it's a bad nightmare that I can awake from, but when I wake up you're still not here. I can't help but get angry then I feel so bad for being angry. I know how life works...I know that in a blink of an eye you can be standing in front of Papa God. I just don't know why you...why me...why us. Is it wrong to be angry at all those couples out there I see that can't stand each other yet their life just goes on together? I realized the other day that in our almost 9 years of living together we had never been apart for more than 7 days. Friends laugh because of how much time we spent together and how many times a day we would talk on the phone. Talk on the way to work, talk through instant messaging during work, talk at lunch, talk on the way back home. TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK. Now the house is quiet and lonely with the occasional call to check on me.

I miss our making plans for the upcoming summer with the grandbabies. I hate that you missed last summer and I know that you did too. I am so glad that you were able to see them all before they left last summer and we were able to get a picture of you with all your grandbabies. The new grandbaby will be coming soon. Jen & Robert have pledged that both the girls will always know their Papa Pete a.k.a. Papa Pumpkin Eater. I better close for now love...I'll look for you in my dreams, if Papa allows me to dream tonight.

Your loving Mare 11:30 p.m.

When a loved on is promoted on to the Father it's hard...when that loved one is promoted suddenly it's mind boggling. You stop every day, every minute and try to figure out what you could have...what you should have done to make this not happen. I believe as a human it's okay to go through these feelings...however I don't live there because Papa God pulls my spirit out when my human mind goes there. That's why my husband and I love him so much.

I hate the daily grind of making the calls to have him removed from bank accounts, social security, insurance policies, car titles, mortgage titles and so on. These types of things disturb me the most. It's as if the world wants me to let go of him all over again each time.

I've had a lot of people who lived out of town that couldn't make it and asked that I post the service online. I've placed an edited portion of it in the music section. There is video but I believe this would be to hard for some to watch. Although I'm happy to say that I'm glad I have it as a visual record.

This was the first song that Peter wrote and recorded when we first got together. I find it very poignant now that it's speaking of death and where you are sitting in relation to Christ in your life. I know where my husband was sitting when that blink of eye moment came. I remember when he recorded that last little phrase to guitarist Eric Edwards and myself, his poetic goodbye. I listen to that over and over now and cherish it. I also remember and his previous band members from Clockwork Orange can back me up on this fact, that the intro bass line you hear and throughout the song Peter used in another song he recorded with them. I don't know the name of that song. I always found that to be very funny and would tease him of stealing music from himself. I hope you enjoy and take heed of what he is trying to impart to you. If you click on the name of the song it will pull up the lyrics.

Mare (2:16 a.m.)

Back to work today. I so don't want to go...leaving this house is like leaving you. I'm still not dreaming of you and i find that kind of weird. Or Papa's just not letting them in as to help me from going crazy. I did dream last night of a van pulling up and someone got out of it, I think a kid and when they did lots of butterfiles came out too. Beautiful, beautiful butterflies. I love and miss you...your Mare.

Tick tock, tick tock, goes the large oversized clock. As the boys wait by the door, watching for your return from the store. Not knowing you're not coming home.

Sad and lonely I feel each day, praise my Lord that he brings me peace to the gray. Functioning, functioning I walk around this house, trying not to disturb your last presence like a mouse. Who am I now?

Widow, widow, widow my new status in life, In the blink of eye I went from being your wife. My best-friend is gone no one to laugh wth and carry on.

7:43 a.m.

Thank you Lord Papa for the peace. I've taken to sleeping on your side of the bed from the day I came home without you. It gives me such a sense of peace and comfort not to mention the pillow. Robin and I had funny laugh over that pillow. She is a very sweet lady Peter and I wish I could have got to know her without the tragedy being involved.

Show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.

Song of Solomon 2:14 NIV

6:55 a.m.

Another day without you. I wake hoping I had a bad nightmare and that as I call out your name you reach for me to let me know everything is okay. Then I sit up and realize you are not here. I start another day full of whys, what ifs, I still can't believe this and loneliness is so overwhelming. My heart breaks and aches minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. You were supposed to grow old with me...not me grow old without you. All of this hits me and it's only 6:21 a.m.

Got up before the sun today and cleaned your closet. It needed it so bad and you know me I have to have it straightened out. Everything in it's place that made me feel a little better. I'll be heading out today finally and I'm going to pick you up. Well you know what I mean. I can't wait to have that part of you back with me. It gives me a place to focus on although I know you are around me. I just know it. I miss the shoulder rubs when you would just know to come into my office and try to help ease my stress. I've looked at some sites for grief and some grief groups but I'm not sure. How can I share what was so, so great. I don't want to share you anymore than I have to. I want to keep you right here deep in my heart. I look at all those clothes in your closet and I know you would be all Mare you can't hold on just be strong and start to clear out some of that stuff...then I know you...you are such a pack rat that YOU WOULDN'T DO IT IF IT WERE ME THAT WAS GONE! I better get going.

Love you and miss you so much....Your Mare 9:20 a.m.

The mourners are gone
The flowers are dying
They say life goes on
I haven’t stopped crying

I know you are near
I talk with you each day
I know you can hear
The Lord doesn’t take that away

I have you on my mind
I have you on my heart
I know it takes time
I know we’ll never really part

Your songs keep me going
Your voice keeps me warm
My faith is in knowing
With God I will weather the storm

7:02 p.m.

It seemed like forever that I longed for a soul mate. I can remember staring out at quite star-filled nights, whispering prayers that someday, somewhere, I would find that one special person who was meant for me. I imagined us laughing at silly things, sharing tears over sad things...We would lapse into comfortable silences as we read each other's thoughts, we would love each other passionately and totally, heart to heart and soul to soul. I waited and dreamed and dreamed and waited. After a while, I began to think my dream was exactly that - only a dream. Then I met you...my wonderful husband...and all my dreams came true.

I miss you so much...Mare (11:12 a.m.)

Chores, chores, chores...just passing the time. I miss you so much I ache all over and nothing can relieve it. Oh there is so much pain deep in my heart. This big house is lonely without you and the dogs miss you so, so much. Maxi wanders the house from room to room looking for you. I try not to say your name out loud as I've watched him runn off to look for you. Gabe is just depressed and sad looking. I play with them but it's not the same. They miss their daddy. I love you Mare.

Not sleeping well. Missing my loved one. Grief it such a funny thing how it hits you. You can be just rolling along and then wham...there's your robe or your shaving kit. Or I walk into your studio and see all the basses and drums. I start to cry. I have been blessed so much more than others because I do have your music, your voice to last me the rest of my life. Tapes of your practicing, working on a new tune, coming up with a new concept at 3:00 in the morning. What a delight and blessing. I miss you baby. Love Mare

As one of the music ministers for Victory Christian Center I invite you all to come and praise & worship with us every Wednesday evening, Sunday morning and night.

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